


14x09 Coda

by xxenjoy



Series: Codas [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon verse, Coda, spoilers for 14x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 01:05:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16985211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy
Summary: Castiel needs some time to think after they lose Dean again.





	14x09 Coda

_So. Close._

They were so close to Michael, and now they're one giant step back again - this time without their fourth man. The three of them travel home in separate cars; Sam takes his own car and Cas shuffles around and leans on the Impala for a while before he can bring himself to do anything about it. It feels wrong, just the idea of driving the car - with or without Dean - but he has to get home somehow and he needs some time. 

Jack seems to realize this and he goes with Sam without hesitation, promising they'll pick up dinner on the way home. It's meant to be comforting, Cas realizes, but it's backwards; he should be the one comforting Jack, assuring him that they will get Dean back. He's done more times than he can remember with Sam, but right now he's feeling less than hopeful. 

Maybe it's that more than once he expected Dean's blows to land, that he was actually optimistic that they could defeat Michael tonight, only to have it all torn away in an instant. Maybe, he thinks, but more likely it's that he finds it hard to be positive about too many things since he made his deal. Positivity lurks too closely to happiness and if Cas lets himself be happy, he'll lose everything that's ever mattered to him, and more importantly, they'll lose him. He's not an arrogant man - he may have been once upon a time, but not now - but he's seen what happens to the people he loves when he's not around; the pain and suffering in Dean's features every time is more painful than any death. 

Eventually, Cas opens the door and climbs into the front seat. It's uncomfortable; he feels restrained with the steering wheel in front of him, and the warm comfort of the Impala's leather seats is gone without Dean next to him. He settles his hands on the steering wheel and steadies himself. It's been worse, he thinks. Dean was dead and Cas saved him from that, they'll recover from this, too. 

He drives around aimlessly for a while because he can't stand the thought of being confined to the bunker right now, ironic maybe considering the cab of the Impala is much more confining. It feels like Dean, though, and right now he needs anything to keep him going. It gets harder and harder every time he loses him, and maybe that's why Dean was so broken when Cas came back to him last time - maybe Cas isn't as alone in his suffering as he thinks. 

When he gets back to the bunker, it's dark and he suspects Sam and Jack have already gone to bed. He can't blame, them, that's his destination, too, but at least they have the luxury of sleep to get away from all of this for a little while. Sometimes, if he dims his grace enough, Cas can nap, but it's a pale imitation of sleep, at least how he remembers it. 

Now, he shrugs out of his coat and suit jacket, laying them both neatly over the chair before moving to sit on the edge of the bed. He takes his blade and slips it under the edge of the pillow fingertips brushing against something thin and papery. He knows what it is in an instant and he pinches his eyes shut at the thought of it; there are only three things that he keeps under his pillow: his blade, a small empty vial and a photograph. He imagines they wouldn't be comfortable to sleep on and therefor Sam and Dean - and now Jack - would probably not think to look here for them.

The blade he stores for easy access, the photograph because he doesn't dare keep it on his person lest one of the others find it, and the vial; the vial is for another reason altogether. He'd been toying with the idea for a while, even before the ordeal with the Empty, though now he's seeing it more as practical than as something to hope for. He's not an idiot, he's aware of his own feelings and how they differ between one person and another; there's no mistaking that what he feels for Dean is outside the realm of friendship, but as he is now, those feelings could never come to fruition. As a human, though...

With his grace, he'll outlive Dean and Sam and Jack, but if he were to cut it out like Anna did, he would grow old alongside them, even if not the way he imagines. He would give up eternity to be with Dean as a man, but he can't - not yet, not as long as the Winchesters need him. It could have been tonight; it would be difficult breaking the news to Dean after such a victory, but he would be happier for it. Well, would have been. 

He climbs up onto the bed and leans back against the pillows, turning to tuck the vial safely back under his pillow; he won't need it now for a very long time, possibly ever.


End file.
